As a clinical sexologist and couples counselor, I believe that lovemaking is the most powerful expression of romantic and erotic love. It is not only an intense manifestation of our feelings but also a relaxing way to stay healthy. So, why don’t we prioritize our sex life? Is it because we’ve been with our partner for a long time? Because we weren’t taught its importance for our mental, physical, and relational health? Because we don’t have time? Because we’re not interested? What is happening? Is sexual activity only for newlyweds, young people, or men? None of this is true!
Sexual Inactivity: A Common Problem
In many cases, sexual inactivity becomes a lifestyle, something “normal” and unimportant. This situation could occur due to a lack of expression of feelings and thoughts, including positive and erotic ones. Additionally, a lack of assertiveness and congruence in what is said and done can disrupt sexual life. Generally, it is not what you say that causes distance, but how and when you say it.
The lack of expression of thoughts, desires, feelings, and needs, combined with poor communication skills and lack of intimacy, greatly affects erotic and sexual life, leading to emotional disconnection and sexual apathy. This can happen even when loving your partner with positive feelings. But if you don’t express yourself, how will you truly connect with your partner? Actions are important and sometimes show more than words, but verbal and non-verbal expressions are essential, as they reinforce your actions and help elaborate your message. Both actions and expressions will lead you to closeness, especially if you want to attract a woman, as we are generally auditory and love to hear words of love.
Sex vs. Lovemaking
Having sex is not the same as making love, as I explain in my book Make Love 365 Times a Year. Many confuse having sex with making love, which leads to boredom and dissatisfaction. If this is your case, you are missing the best part of your relationship. If you travel this way, you will only be focused on your goal, with no time for conversations, romance, eroticism, and foreplay, disconnecting from your partner without really enjoying the journey.
Living your love life as if you were in a “race full of potholes” is a choice, not your destiny. Your other option is to enjoy a “pleasant journey” where lovemaking is possible. In an exciting yet calm journey, you will be able to express yourself freely with words and actions, have assertive communication, enjoy simple and even silly conversations, and have intimacy, affection, pleasure, relaxation, smiles, laughter, joy, music, and fun, without losing passion. Lovemaking will never be boring!
The Frequency of Lovemaking in Different Cultures
Look at the Italians: generally, they are not competing but enjoying the journey. According to recent studies, they make love much more frequently than other cultures. Dr. Pepper Schwartz indicates that 62% of couples in Italy have sex several times a week, probably every day. On the other hand, in the United States, we find the so-called “epidemic of sexless couples,” where couples have sex ten times a year or less. Also, Dr. Schnarch found that only 26% of American marriages have sex once a week, which is perceived as good and sufficient for them.
Ian Kerner, PhD, a sex therapist and author of She Comes First, wrote: “When couples stop having sex, their relationship becomes vulnerable to anger, detachment, infidelity, and ultimately, divorce.” Additionally, this detachment generates unhappiness, causing mental and physical problems due to stress and loneliness. Harvard psychiatrist Dr. Uma Naidoo says: “we all need to sleep and have a satisfying sex life.”
Lovemaking is key, as I mention in Make Love 365 Times a Year, to staying healthy and connected to our partners. If you want, you can opt for an American business lifestyle, but let your love life be Italian style. The best of both worlds: work hard, but also relax and enjoy in bed.
The Importance of Pleasure and Expression
Numerous studies support the benefits of an active sex life for both physical and mental health. Here are some of these benefits:
- Cardiovascular Health: Women who have sex frequently are less likely to experience cardiovascular events in the future (Cleveland Clinic).
- Immune System: Regular sex increases levels of immunoglobulin A (IgA), an antibody that helps prevent illness (Cleveland Clinic).
- Pain Reduction: During sex, the body releases endorphins, which act as natural pain relievers. This can be particularly useful for people who suffer from migraines or headaches (OHSU).
- Stress Reduction: Sexual activity lowers cortisol levels, the main stress hormone, and promotes the release of oxytocin and endorphins, which help reduce stress and improve emotional well-being (Cleveland Clinic) (OHSU).
- Improved Sleep: Orgasm releases oxytocin and other hormones that facilitate restorative sleep, contributing to overall better health (Cleveland Clinic).
Pleasure and Expression
Take the time to find pleasure in small things; this is fundamental to enjoying sexual pleasure with your partner. Find pleasure, express yourself, and leave your work or professional life behind when you are with your partner. This is important not only for your physical and mental health but also for the health of your relationship.
My vision is that more people choose a “pleasant journey” when navigating a relationship. This is one way we, as a society, can improve our mental and physical health to heal our relationships: the foundation of a functional family.
The Key is Communication
Enjoy your partner! Enjoy each other and take time to express your feelings, desires, and dreams. First, you should create a space to talk every day. Let your conversations focus on your feelings, ideas, and needs and those of your partner.
You need to be able to communicate to create a fulfilling love life. Expression is not only verbal communication: talking, chatting, or having conversations; it is also non-verbal communication through facial expressions, gestures, movements, actions, inactions, the way you dress, walk, and even how you smell. Good communication skills are fundamental to making love, maintaining a connection with your partner, and avoiding infidelity.
If communicating is difficult for you, seek professional help. I am always at the service of couples who want to improve. Couples therapy, couples counseling, sex therapy, and marriage counseling are very good options to achieve the relationship you deserve.
Today is the day and now is the moment. Make more love and transform your life!
Dr. Heinz
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