The deepest desire of almost any couple is often to maintain a strong connection. But what does being connected mean? Are we referring to an emotional, physical, intellectual, spiritual, sexual, or intimate connection?
Familiarity between lovers develops over time as they become comfortable with each other. However, too much familiarity can diminish desire. It’s crucial to remember that your partner is your lover, not just a friend or another family member.
A complete connection as a couple begins with a bit of familiarity—enough to feel secure, but not so much that it eliminates romance and erotic bond. It’s important to remember how it all started: with lust, desire, and passion. If you neglect your partner and allow familiarity to grow while the eroticism fades, the love may transform from erotic to friendly.
Maintaining Passion
Dr. Pepper Schwartz, PhD, studied extremely happy couples worldwide. Her study revealed five key behaviors that keep these couples united and happy:
- Holding hands daily.
2. Spontaneous daily kisses.
3. Hugs and displays of affection.
4. Public displays of affection.
5. Use of affectionate nicknames.
These habits foster an effortless integration of love into daily routines, maintaining a strong connection.
Pretzel Time: The Complete Connection Exercise
As a sexologist, sex counselor, and relationship expert in couples counseling, I recommend a practice I call “Pretzel Time,” based on science and essential for enhancing connection. This exercise involves hugging your partner upon waking, forming a “big pretzel” with your bodies, for 10 minutes, and facing each other, comfortably, semi-asleep, and without demands. Then, you can get up, keep sleeping, or make love! This habit releases oxytocin and vasopressin, hormones that promote connection and fidelity.
Oxytocin, known as the “love hormone,” promotes peace, calm, trust, fidelity, security, intimacy, and stability in the relationship. Releasing oxytocin will make you feel a greater connection and harmony with your partner.
Studies have shown that oxytocin not only strengthens emotional bonds but also plays a significant role in fidelity. A study published in The Journal of Neuroscience found that men in committed relationships who received a good dose of oxytocin kept a greater distance from an attractive woman compared to men who did not receive the hormone. This suggests that oxytocin can promote fidelity, staying away from cheating in a relationship by increasing feelings of attachment and satisfaction in the relationship.
Benefits of Physical Affection
Numerous studies have found that kisses and hugs reduce levels of cholesterol and cortisol, decreasing stress and increasing satisfaction in the relationship. Physical affection, recommended by most sex therapy and couple therapy, can also reduce blood pressure and strengthen the immune system. These benefits are achieved by expressing affection, not just feeling it. A hug can reduce stress and improve your mood even if the other person is not reciprocating. And, may increase sexual desire.
Intensive Affection Week
In addition to my Pretzel Time exercise, I encourage couples to undertake an “Intensive Affection Week,” where they give and receive affection in all its forms: physical, verbal, non-verbal, and thoughtful gestures, without sexual intentions. This exercise helps distinguish between affection and sexual desire, allowing love and care to be expressed without sexual pressure.
It’s important to separate affection from sex. Many couples only touch affectionately when they are going to have sex, which can lead to disconnection. By learning to express affection and love independently of sex, both partners can approach each other without pressure or misunderstandings.
Practicing Pretzel Time
Practice Pretzel Time every morning for at least 10 minutes. While naked, cuddle like a “big pretzel,” with legs and arms intertwined, touching and kissing. This moment is ideal for developing sensuality and producing oxytocin and vasopressin, strengthening connection and trust bonds.
Hormone levels vary throughout the day, being higher in the morning, which is why Pretzel Time is in the morning. Testosterone peaks in the early hours of the morning and gradually decreases during the day, according to a study in The Journal of Clinical Endocrinology & Metabolism.
Estrogen levels also tend to be higher in the morning, although the variation is not as pronounced. Serotonin, a key neurotransmitter for mood, is highest in the morning and during daylight hours, improving well-being, as mentioned in the Journal of Psychiatry & Neuroscience. Oxytocin also has specific peaks during the day, especially during moments of physical contact and affection, such as hugs and kisses. In contrast, melatonin, which regulates sleep, is highest at night and decreases at dawn, as described in the New England Journal of Medicine.
Therefore, to cultivate and maintain a complete connection with your partner over time, it is essential to cultivate love habits, and there’s nothing like a good Pretzel Time! Consistency in physical, verbal, and non-verbal affection, along with practices like Pretzel Time can transform your relationship, filling it with continuous love, passion, and complete connection.
Dr. Heinz
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